This Is My Story
This post has been a long time coming. I’ve talked about my anxiety before, but I thought it was time to sit down and share my entire story. It’s actually taken me this long to write it because I’m a little nervous to put everything down in writing. Something I have strived for over the past few years is to break the stigma around mental health. I didn’t start to heal until I talked about it, and my friends and family began to understand. I hope that by sharing my story with y’all, you can find peace knowing that you are not alone. If you don’t have anxiety, I hope this will help you understand what more than 40 million people in the U.S. are going through. Just for reference, my two biggest triggers for anxiety are the fear of being out of control, and the fear of the unknown.
Looking back now, I know that I have had anxiety my entire life, but I didn’t even know what anxiety was until after I graduated college. Now, I know that my nervous body movements and “upset stomach” when I was little was my anxiety. Hindsight truly is 20/20. To my knowledge, I never had panic attacks growing up, and how I was feeling never really got in the way of me living my life. I think I was so busy and distracted with growing up, and life, that I didn’t even know what was going on and what was ahead of me.
When I moved to New York at age 18 everything changed. I went from this girl who seemingly had everything together, was on top of the world, and so incredibly confident to someone who was suddenly alone in this big unknown place. As soon as my parents and Ashley left me in my dorm room freshman year I couldn’t control the tears and begged them to come back. It was awful, but I got through it. Throughout college I made so many amazing and lifelong friends, but I didn’t have the typical college experience. Going to school in NYC is already different, but I NEVER went to parties, clubs, or bars around the city. One of the biggest reasons is the alcohol. To be clear, I have never had an issue with alcohol personally. My issue, and anxiety trigger, was a fear that stemmed from the inability to control the actions of those around me. Thankfully I have amazing friends who understand this now, but it was really hard for me to deal with back then. I missed out on a lot of great memories.
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I’ve had a few completely terrifying panic attacks over the years and I truly do not wish them on anyone. When the first big one happened at a concert, I thought I was just sick and it took me days to recover. If you know me at all, you know I was raised on music and have always loved concerts. I can’t even tell you how many I have been to in my life. I know exactly what to expect at a concert, so they are usually not a point of anxiety for me. Junior year of college a few of my friends and I went to a The 1975 concert. This was a general admission venue, which I had been to so many times before. We were in the crowd jamming to the opening act and so excited for the band to come out. As soon as the lights dimmed and they started walking out on the stage, I had this overwhelming fear of passing out and nausea take over my body. I knew I had to get out of there, so I turned away and pushed my way out of the crowd. Thankfully, Allix could see my face and she ran after me. I found myself completely dizzy sitting on the floor of this venue profusely sweating, not being able to get enough water in me, and not being able to catch my breath. It was so terrible I just had to leave. I spent the next couple of days in bed because I truly thought I was just sick.
Flash forward to second semester of senior year, which is a difficult time for a lot of people. The entire semester was so busy and really overwhelming. There was so much going on, but I vividly remember one Sunday night when I was trying to finish all of my final projects and studying for finals. I had so much brain fog and I actually passed out in my bedroom in the middle of studying. I just chalked it up to stress with school, and at this point I really wish I hadn’t. 2015 was the hardest year for me for sure. So much happened and changed, and I had the most amount of panic attacks I have ever had. As the summer turned into fall I got to a point of depression where I wouldn’t even leave my bedroom let alone our apartment. We lost our dog Pixie suddenly. This was my first real sense of loss, so it truly changed me and spiraled me down a deep hole. It all came to a head on November 17th, 2015. I had been arguing with Ashley and our mom all day about something really stupid, and I was supposed to go out that night for one of my best friends’ birthdays. I was really freaking out about it, and didn’t think I could mentally go, but no one really understood why. I was in my bedroom by myself and all I remember is everything going blurry and then I couldn’t breathe. I was hyperventilating, and then I couldn’t feel my hands or arms. I was somehow able to text Ashley the word “help” and she came running down to my room. I couldn’t breathe at all, and all I remember is her saying “Do I need to call 911?” Right then is when I knew I had a problem.
All of a sudden everything that used to bring me joy absolutely terrified me. This went on for months and months until I finally said to myself that I can’t continue living this way. I started to try and challenge myself to do little things outside of the apartment. It has been a very slow process over the past three years, but I am finally at a very peaceful place and I truly know how to control and handle my anxiety. I know my triggers and I know how to treat them now. I avoid the things that I know will cause me anxiety, and I take every little thing I accomplish that makes me uncomfortable as a huge win. I truly congratulate myself every time I do something that I couldn’t do three years ago.
The biggest thing that saved me was talking about it. When I finally opened up to all of my friends and family and explained exactly what was happening everything started to get better. I also recommend explaining to your close family and friends how you need them to react when you have high anxiety. This will be different for everyone, but for me I don’t want attention drawn to me, as that just makes me more anxious. Ashley is very good at picking up on when I’m feeling anxious just by a look I give her, or by a few other physical tells I have. When I get like this, the best thing she can do is basically ignore me, and if we are with other people, she steers the conversation or the attention away from me while I try to calm myself down internally. Talking about your anxiety is the biggest piece of advice I have for anyone who suffers from it. You will feel 1000% times better when you open up. I’m so glad that mental health is a very open conversation in the world right now. We still have so much progress to make, but we have come a long way.
When I saw that Jen Gotch had designed these necklaces, and that all of the proceeds go to Bring Change To Mind, I knew I had to have them. I understand that they can be a trigger for some people, but I wear mine proudly! I have people ask me about them all the time, and I have no problem confidently saying that my necklace says anxiety. My anxiety is a part of me, but it doesn’t consume me anymore. It is a reminder for what I have been through, what I am going through, and what I will go through. It represents my strength and tenacity over the years. I usually pair my anxiety necklace with my 7.8 necklace. This represents the ERS, or the emotional rating system. This was something that Jen created with her mom to properly describe the way she was feeling each day. It’s a 1-10 scale, 1 being severely depressed and 10 being overly happy. On this scale, 7.8 is the ideal number you want to be at emotionally. We incorporated this into our lives in our apartment, and we often ask each other what our rating is. It helps us understand one another better, and how we need to act. If someone is feeling a little down one day, we know how to support that person that day based on their emotional state. It has been such a positive thing in our lives.
I just want you all to know that our blog and social media is a safe space for all of you. If you are feeling down, if you have anxiety, if you need someone to talk to we are always here to listen and help. You can always talk to us no matter what time of day. Sometimes you just need someone to listen.
-Shelbs xx